En Route to Awesome

Enjoy the journey.

Page 5 of 6

The Horror: Repairing A Devastated Garden

By Gem

Those who’ve been Enroute for a while know that I have a decent collection of herbs and vegies potted up on the balcony to help supply our little kitchen. You’ll also know that we recently went away for five days during the peak of summer. This is what greeted me when I returned:

IMG_1172

Yikes! Time for a repair job!

Making a Speedy Recovery

Speed is important right now for two reasons. Firstly, I want to get us eating our own produce again ASAP. Secondly, Shiga might be warm right now, but within a few months the cold will return. To fix your garden or start a new garden at a time like this, you need to think fast and make the right decisions about what to plant.

Here are my selections:

IMG_1174

I’ve picked some fast-growing options for the short term and medium-length options to keep us eating until the snow flies (stupid Northern Hemisphere and its stupid “actual winters”). It’s too late to replant any of the fruiting summer crops like tomatoes, cucumbers, or aubergines. Winter vegetables do exist, but I’m not used to snow OR to balcony gardening, so winter crops are probably beyond me as long as I’m in Japan.

My speedy selections are:

1- Supermarket Herb Pots

IMG_1175

I bought basil, more flat-leaf parsley and two pots of salad herbs (lots of mizuna, not much lettuce from the looks. Bummer).

When money is no object, remember that the best seedlings always come from nurseries. The varieties are better-selected for home gardeners and the plants themselves are properly hardened, so they won’t curl up their little toes and die on you the second the sun touches them.

When you’re going cheap and nasty, though, supermarket herbs are a good option. These plants are intended for consumption rather than planting, so they are not even slightly hardened and will need a lot of cossetting from you. Generally, though, they cost half as much as proper plants and you usually get a lot per pot.

I gave my planters a very, very good soaking (seriously, the soil had gone badly hydrophobic, so I had to dig through every centimetre of soil and mix water through it. An easier way to do this is to simply purchase a soaking agent to help your soil absorb and retain water.) Then I planted the seedlings on an extremely overcast day and soaked them again. If the day had been sunny, I would have used pieces of cardboard to shield the plants.

2 – Asian GreensIMG_1176

Super cheap (because they grow from seed) and super-speedy, Asian greens are the shiznit. The seedlings will be established in just a few days and you can go from planting to cropping in just weeks. This speed and low cost also makes them a good option if you’re into microgreens.

These little guys are also TOUGH and will take some fairly serious abuse from you as seedlings (although you’ll want to start treating them nice when they get older, so that they’ll crop well for you). I chose Kokurakuten (or spinach mustard) as well as Pak Choi and direct-planted them. My favourites are usually Choy Sum and Tatsoi, but I didn’t find those here.

3 – Tomato CuttingsIMG_1179

“But Gem!” I hear you cry, “I thought you said it was too late to plant fruiting crops! Why are you recommending tomatoes at a time like this?”

It is too late to PLANT tomatoes, yes. But for a flush, late season crop, just when your tomato plants are getting a bit tired, tomato cuttings are brilliant (thank you, Jackie French!). The above picture is a cutting I took just a few weeks ago; it’s already flowering and even has a spray of fruit.

The best way to take a tomato cutting is to select one of your best performers of that season and then mulch it REALLY heavily, or bury the lower branches in soil. Then, once some roots have started to form, yank that branch off and replant it. Bingo, brand new tomato plant, eight times the size of any seedling you could buy and one hundred percent ready for some serious, tomato-growing action.  If I hadn’t already taken cuttings of my cherry tomato, I would do my best to find a surviving bit and do it now. They really do grow that fast!

4 – ViolasIMG_1178

Tough, colorful and fast growing violas are always a good flower when you’ve got a bare spot or two and you’re in a hurry. In Australia, my usual go-to options are huge pansy-faces and heartsease, but these look similar enough to get me by. You can plant violas almost any time at all, and as long as you take the most basic care of them, they will just keep on blooming for you. That includes the winter months of this stupid frozen hemisphere, although you’ll want to get them indoors before Christmas. The only better option I know is alyssum, but that is harder to put in a vase (also, I can’t find any).

5 – Mid-term vegiesIMG_1183

These are still reasonably fast-growing options, just not up to the insane speed-levels of asian greens.

The speedier ones are lettuce and spinach (both for salads and for cooked dishes). I’ve planted these guys in seed-raising pots and will transplant them once they’re a reasonable size.

Slower-growing, are beans and chrysanthemum greens. In warm weather (which this still is), the beans will shoot within a few days of planting and should crop for at least a little while before the weather gets too cold. The chrysanthemum greens take a moderate amount of time to grow, but are very cold-resistant and should survive the first part of winter, even if they don’t get much bigger once the weather turns cold.

Luckily, despite heavy fatalities, there were some survivors, which means that my selections were probably a little different than if I had had no remaining assets in my garden.  My tomato cutting, some herbs (thyme, oregano, rosemary, chives, flat leafed parsley, lemon balm and sage), some flowers (pink cosmos, morning glory and New Guinea impatien) and, surprisingly the zucchini, although the early crop has been sacrificed. All of these plants look like hell, but they’re already on the way to making a recovery.

I still weep for the fallen (especially the lettuce and my beautiful little miniature sunflowers!), but at least the damage has been repaired as far as I’m able and we won’t have to wait until spring to have fresh food!

What are your speedy go-to crops?

Gem

XX

Ishigaki Island

 

By Gem
278Well here we are, back at work and back from three days in Okinawa. We had a wonderful time in the Yaeyama Islands and feel much better for it, despite receiving a scrape or two from some coral as well as a really stupid-looking triangle I managed to burn around my glowing white butt.

The triangle is brown now. The butt is still white.

With the end of third term, our Japan countdown has started. It’s only eleven months now until we’ll be back in Australia and we’re starting to feel a certain amount of pressure to make the most of our remaining time. With that in mind, we figured, it’s summer, the kids are on break and hotel air conditioning is included in the price. What better time for a trip away?

240Ishigaki starts being lovely as soon as you land. Kin made a dash for the luggage carousel, while I made one for the Ladies, but even those activities were made more pleasant than on the mainland. The orchid decorating the washbasins was deep gold, cheerful and actually alive. Meeting Kin at the carousel, it was the same; the entire airport was full of colourful plants and aquariums with brilliant local sea life. 247

Ishigaki is basically a tourist trap; a pleasant, reasonably-priced tourist trap that actually has the history and the natural attractions to back up its reputation. They want to be certain that your time is enjoyable from start to finish, I suppose, so the airport was just the first step.

The Ishigaki landscape looks a lot like Northern NSW or Queensland if it had been settled by Thai or Chinese people. The architecture is completely different to our area of Japan; lots of very solid, blocky little ground-hugging structures with very different lines and shapes to the ones in Honshu. Also a lot of cement! I suppose there isn’t a lot of hardwood available in a climate like that and you can tell that they must see some really nasty weather sometimes.

315We’d booked rooms at a basic (but nice) Minshuku, so we hopped off our bus at the ferry port, found it very quickly (thank you, Google Maps!) then dumped our bags and headed out to find bikes to rent.

Now I know I usually rave about bikes being the best way to see a place, but I will actually admit this isn’t the case on Ishigaki. The recommended way of getting around the island is by rental car and I can definitely see why; the cars are very cheap and the island is very hilly! Nevertheless, we boarded our gearless mama-charis and headed off to adventure.

314We spent a LOT of time on those bikes over the next three days. DAMN does that island have a lot of hills! We managed to survive the experience, see a lot and have a lovely time, but if you can, just rent the car. You’ll be happier in the long run.

Most of our time was spent cycling the (many, many) hills of Ishigaki or exploring the awesome coral at Yonehara Beach; we spent two extremely happy days on that reef alone (I could probably spend the rest of my life there).

288 329 327 306Still, we did manage to haul ourselves away on our last day to visit Taketomi Island, which along with a star-sand beach and its own selection of fabulous reefs also has a very, very old town, which has maintained a very traditional Okinawan style of living.464

It also has some seriously nice sugar-cane icecream, which Kin ordered and I promptly stole after tasting (he stole my mango sorbet).461

Sadly, we didn’t get to Iriomote Island. We only had three full days on the islands and we spent most of them on Ishigaki. To be honest, we probably should have based ourselves on Iriomote instead, but Ishigaki coral is amazing and the town has attractions of its own; the food is cheap and awesome. Soba is a bit of an island specialty, and they serve it in a variety of ways, but it was mostly the preparation and seasoning of the food, rather than differences in the specific dishes, that made it all so enjoyable. 346345

The green bubbles above are umi budou (sea grape) , a really, really delicious, crunchy seaweed that was served as an entrée at a few of the restaurants. Apparently we are much too far north to be able to get it in Shiga (we have the nasty, petrol-flavoured, scraped-off-a-rock hajiki instead) but I’m already dispatching spies in Australia to hunt for it during their coastal and ocean photography missions.

Perhaps most importantly, we pursued our joint hobby of finding and irritating crabs of various species. The Yaeyama islands are the hermit-crabbinest place I’ve ever been, and we managed to aggravate individuals both large and small.336 337

We strongly recommend Ishigaki and the rest of the Yaeyama islands to homesick Australians and people who enjoy nature tourism. They also have a lot to offer people who enjoy a bit of luxury on a tropical island, but we didn’t do those bits, so if that’s what you’re into, you’ll have to Google it.

Kin is popping some more of our photos up in an album on our Facebook page, so click here for lots of pictures of furious crabs!

Gem

XX

P.S. I’ve tried to avoid giving you a bunch of boring travel details, but if anyone is actually planning a trip and wants to know more about getting to or staying at Ishigaki, I’d be thrilled to share!

At The Moment…

Kimchee PastaGem is doing her best to duplicate California Girls’ amazing kimchee pasta recipe.

Red EyeKin is trying exciting new things. (Note: Trying exciting new things is not always a good idea, especially if they involve beer and tomatoes in the same can)

FireworksWe are seeing these beauties almost every weekend. Gotta love the Japanese summer; the heat is intense but the fireworks make up for it.

IMG_0303We are trying out our wonderful new camera! (Visitors to our Facebook page may have already seen “The Blair Wasp Project” one of Kin’s first experiences with the Powershot; we are very, very happy that it’s a Toughcam!)

Cool Japan (tanuki)

We are showing new JETs around our wonderful town.

IMG_0316We have run out of pins AGAIN, working on the photo wall.

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We are counting down until Gem’s mother comes to visit!

What’s going on in your world at the moment?

Gem and Kin

To Kin: Love Comes in Many Forms

By GemMaya and Krieg

Okay, probably not a lot of forms as weird as Maya and Krieg, but the point still stands. There are lots of ways to be romantic and lots of ways to make a partnership. I’m just so glad that we’ve made one together!

On this day, seven years ago, we transitioned from five years of shacking up to our very first day of wedded bliss. And every day, I’m still so happy we’re together.

We’ve had adventures (and created homes) wherever we find ourselves. We’ve annoyed children and wildlife over four nations and two oceans (and have some of the scars to prove it). We’ve done poorer and (slightly) richer, we’ve done sickness and health. We’ve done a lot over the last seven years, but the best part is that we’ve done it together.

My darling, it’s so much fun being married to you! Let’s keep doing it forever!

Happy Anniversary

Gem

xx

 

Being Awesome Part I

By Gem

You ready? Step one:

Stop Acting Like a Jerk

“I do not act like a jerk. I am a very nice person!”

Was that your response to that heading? Well you probably are a very nice person. But you may still act like a jerk. Acting like a jerk is easier than you think and it’s a condition that both Lazy and Busy People are likely to suffer from.

To illustrate:

Do you ever feel as though no matter how much you give, people still want more?

“But I worked so hard cleaning up the kitchen this morning, I DESERVE to relax for one afternoon!” Really? Maybe that’s true. But why was the work so hard, O Lazy One? Was it because you were doing an extra thorough job (skirting boards, windows, under the fridge) after a big cooking event like a party? Or was it because you left the dirty dishes for almost a week and hadn’t mopped the floor since January?

Guess what? Other people won’t reward you for completing a difficult job, when you are the reason it was difficult.

Do you ever feel as though people don’t appreciate your efforts?

“But I always work later than everybody else! I don’t DESERVE to be hassled about one late report!” Possibly that’s the case. But why do you stay later, O Busybody? Do you have too many tasks to complete during your working hours (despite everyone else managing just fine)? Or do you spend hours on pointless activities with no aim in mind? Activities like creating seminars with no learning outcomes? Writing 1000 word emails to colleagues, when one line with a link would have sufficed? Spending two hours smearing a grubby cloth over every window, so that someone now has to re-polish EVERY-SINGLE-PANE?

Guess what? Other people won’t credit you for work they can’t see the relevance of. Especially if you haven’t completed work they do see as relevant.

Perhaps you feel as though people aren’t trying to understand the real you?

“But I’m a good person. I shower every day, remember my mother’s birthday and feel really bad about third world problems. I DESERVE to have people like me/sleep with me/talk to me at parties.”

This one could be Lazy or Busy, but either way, guess what? Other people won’t credit you for your virtues until they’ve seen some evidence.

If you are someone who tends to think about what you deserve, there are two things you need to know. The first is that “just one” never means just one, and the person you are talking to knows it, even if you don’t.

The second is that you are acting like a jerk.

I’m… I’m what?

It’s okay. Acting like a jerk doesn’t mean you ARE a jerk. It just means that you’ve been a bit too focused on yourself up to now. Don’t feel bad about it; you didn’t know any better and from here on in, we’re going to work on that. Okay? Deep breath.

Not acting like a jerk: 101

Basically, not acting like a jerk means accepting and fulfilling your responsibilities; including your responsibilities to yourself. This is the first step toward awesomeness, but unfortunately, it’s not a fast or easy one.

To accept your responsibilities you first have to work out what they are. And that can be hard. It can be especially hard to dissociate responsibilities from the tasks you need to complete to fulfill them.

For example: You may have the personal responsibility of making certain that your clothes are clean. You can achieve this in several different ways. You could:

  1. Keep a limited wardrobe and do your washing every couple of days
  2. Purchase a more extensive wardrobe and do your washing once a week
  3. Keep a limited wardrobe and go to extra lengths to keep your clothing fresh
  4. Arrange a washing service to pick up your dirty clothing and deliver it after washing

You get the idea? I’m sure you could come up with even more ways to discharge this responsibility, depending on time, disposable income and personal inclination. In each case, though, the task you complete (washing your clothing, calling the washing service, buying new clothes) is not your final responsibility. It is merely the means to fulfill it. And that brings us to the next (possibly most important) point:

Effort doesn’t matter. Results do.

Actually, that isn’t 100% correct. Effort is very important in terms of your personal development. But the key word there is personal. It is unfair to expect other people to give you credit for effort the effort you put in, if the results they see are unsatisfactory.

That is why no-one is impressed with you for organizing the stationary drawer, even if it did take you two hours. No one asked for that. What they did ask for was for you to serve customers and wipe the sink in the break room. Which you didn’t do. Because you were expending so much effort on something else.

Effort doesn’t matter. Results do.

That’s also why your housemates still want you to wash the dishes, even after you’ve spent the entire day finally cleaning your crap out of the living room. The mess was yours. You have now cleaned it. Congratulations. You have now achieved the state that the room would have been in had you never entered it. You are NOT in positive credits for that. You are not even at neutral, since they had to live in your mess for a week. The net result of you living in that house is still a negative one, even if today’s cleaning did take a lot of effort.

Effort doesn’t matter. Results do.

Okay, those two were pretty extreme examples. But if you are someone who tends to feel unappreciated, overworked or misunderstood (remember the first three examples?) then I’m afraid it is quite possible that you are actually the one acting like a jerk.

Turning effort into result

This is why you need to negotiate your responsibilities, with yourself and with those around you; spouses, colleagues, parents, whoever. Not specific tasks (e.g. Put away the magazines) but responsibilities (e.g. Keep the coffee table clear). If you make it clear that you are negotiating on that basis, people are much more likely to leave you to complete tasks in your own way.

This makes it easier for you to set conditions (e.g. I will wash only those dishes which have been properly scraped and rinsed) and delegate tasks (I will grow sufficient potatoes for household consumption, if you deliver two loads of cow manure to the back yard every winter). This also makes it easier to say “No,” to new responsibilities that others may want you to take on, as well as protest when another person does not fulfill their own.

These discussions are not a one-off event (particularly the ones you have with yourself). As well as negotiating new responsibilities, you will sometimes need to renegotiate or discard old ones (e.g. I used to make your lunch, but you’re seventeen now. Make your bloody own.). And yes, there will be times when you’re unable to fulfill all of your responsibilities. So long as we take it one day at a time, and develop a long enough history of good results (rather than just “doing our best”), people will excuse our off days.

But what do I get?

“You’ve told me how to make other people happy, Gem. But what’s my reward?”

You know you deserve a kicking just for asking that, right? But I guess you need to know. Your reward will actually be 100% selfish and, I guarantee, the best thing ever.

Your reward will be getting what you want.

If you’re a Lazy Person? No more guilt. Ever again. No shame, no avoiding people. And you’ll never be afraid to ask other people for things because you will know that you’ve earned them.

For the Busy? No more stress. Appreciation of your efforts, rather than work piled on work, without getting ahead. No more sudden demands that seem to come out of nowhere.

Not being a jerk is a difficult road. But it’s the only one that, in the long term, will actually let you have what you want. Remember, jerks think about what they deserve. Awesome people think about what they can achieve. If your goal is a free afternoon to spend drinking tea and eating biscuits, stop worrying about how much you deserve it. Start thinking about what you need to do to get it.

I’ll put the kettle on!

Gem
XX

Level Up

By Kinbefore and after

Here it is. My “before” and “after” drawings from the program I’ve been endlessly recommending to people.

My first year illustration lecturer was totally and completely right. I just finished the Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain exercises that he recommended to me in, like, first semester and yeah. Boom.

I’d been doing it in drips and drabs, and never really got to the meat of it, but recently I found out about, bought and then completed the straight up workbook.  And he was totally right.

I 100% should have acted immediately on what he said, but am still super glad that I have now. I have about 80% less of that not knowing how to tackle a drawing feeling, and my cartooning is also better. Cartooning, sort of

It works, it totally works.
I’m also, through it, really beginning to understand what he meant when he pooh-poohed the anime wannabe stuff I was drawing when I first started illustration. That kind of abstraction is just a wrong starting point.
Any form of style is a form of abstraction, and like anything stylized, you have to have an honest understanding of what it’s being abstracted from to do it effectively. I’m finally starting to get that.Be it Anime, western Disney style, or Faustian Ponies you have to learn the core truth of things before you can warp it to your own style. Otherwise, it’s like building dessert from the outside in, making the icing shell and then trying to fill it with cake.So super thanks to my lecturer. I can’t say how awesome having a really good teacher is. I’m still unfolding stuff he taught us and will likely be for the rest of my life.

(TLDR: This program WORKS. It gives you a jump. This jump can be from a complete stop (That’s me! – Gem) or it can be a boost if you’re already moving.)

Thoughts?

Kin
(manly handshake)

Right Now…

We mostly wanted to write a quick note to say that Gem has started a Facebook page! So if you want to, you can like us over there, without getting constant naggy emails every time we post.

Other things that are going on in our world right now are:

IMG_5653Kin has been sketching at work (this is Timbuktu, his visit school coworker).

IMG_5148We are enjoying final farewells with friends.

IMG_5318Gem is making a lot of salad (the last of the iceberg lettuce need to be used RIGHT now, before the heat dissolves it into pots of sludge; the leafing varieties are still going strong).
IMG_5491We are enjoying warm summer nights in beautiful places. This is the August illumination at Kodaiji, a lesser-known temple in Kyoto in one of our favourite areas.
IMG_5656Gem has started this book (under Kin’s guidance) and can feel new synapses fizzing into existence. For an example of Gem’s current artistic ability, please look here.
IMG_5227We are relishing everything a Nagahama summer has to offer!

Bring on August!

Coffee Body Scrub

fixed-coffee-stuff

WE-ARE-SO-TIRED!

Kin can’t sleep at night because of the heat so, of course, I can’t sleep either. In the morning, when it is a little cooler, I can’t sleep because of the bright sun so, of course, nor can Kin! We’re a very sad and weary pair right now and have been for about a month.

On the other hand, our next-door neighbours have a new baby that, no matter which one of us is awake, at whatever time, we always seem to hear crying. That’s put our problems into some perspective; at least we’re getting some sleep! That couple must be so exhausted, I’m sure they’re close to crying as much as the baby.

So, after a bad night’s sleep and a hard day’s work, what better way is there to rejuvenate myself than with a lovely, home-made coffee (thank you, Kin!) and a lovely homemade coffee body scrub?

Recycling Coffee Grounds

Usually, Kin’s used coffee grounds end up in the same place as my used tea leaves; fertilising our leafy greens! Recently, though, I’ve started swiping them for a different purpose. I don’t know if it’s a Japan thing or just my local area, but I have searched far and wide for a body scrub with no success at all. I DID find one tiny little tube of salt scrub which, not to mention how expensive it was, would be an absolute nightmare for my dry, cranky skin. So I’ve started making my own!

To start with I just scoured myself with the plain grounds, but after a bit of thinking, a bit of Googling and a bit of experimentation, I’ve come up with a recipe that makes me fairly happy.

Coffee Body Scrub

I’ll do this in ratios, because not everyone uses Australian measures:

– 1 part coffee grounds

– 1 part brown sugar (what they call “brown” here is more like the stuff we call “raw” in Oz)

– 1/3 part olive oil

– Cocoa powder and vanilla essence.

I just mix all of these things together in a bowl, pop it into a little bathroom pot with a lid and voila! A gorgeous, extremely cheap scrub that works really, really well.

IMG_5634This scrub is honestly a bit too rough for the face (although I have no choice, so I’m using it anyway, just very gingerly). But for the bod, it’s perfect and it smells absolutely divine. I chuck the cocoa and vanilla in there just to add to the scent (it stays on the skin so nicely). I know that cocoa flavenoids are supposed to be beneficial for skin health, but I’m pretty sure you need to ingest the stuff, not just slap it on yourself and hope. Ditto topical caffeine from the coffee; I’m pretty sure it needs to stay on the skin, not just get rubbed on and rinsed off.

This scrub would probably be really luxurious if you had sweet almond oil, or glycerine or all sorts of other things that I wouldn’t be able to get here. But even with plain old olive oil, I’m happy.

For those manly folk who are scoffing at my recipe, I have one word for you: Solvol. But home-made, recycled-ingredient Solvol. Interested now? Every bearded eco-warrior needs something to get the bicycle grease or planting dirt off their hands. It’s also good for beard dandruff or product buildup in your hair (although warning to blondes; we also discovered it will stain pale things, including hair!).

IMG_5636I love finding new ways of using things and this scrub has been a real winner. And even if I’m taking some of the lettuce’s coffee grounds away from them, as long as this weather keeps up, Kin will keep producing plenty more! Are there any other uses for coffee grounds or tea leaves that I’m missing?

Gem

XX

July was….

IMG_1085Swallows nesting EVERYWHERE.

IMG_5316Yakiniku dinners with our lovely new pan.

2013-07-04 10.06.27Tanabata wishes!

IMG_1224Some changes from green rice fields.

IMG_5290Crops of summer vegies from our balcony garden (the zucchini and beans have been especially great).

412406_399036620156026_1586376513_oEarly morning trips to (or from!) Kyoto.

IMG_1303Lots of cycling in the hills on our old Mama-charis.

sushiCool sushi dinners (with cool dinner beers)

IMG_5266Lots and lots of wasps and hornets!  We both like them, but everyone else seems to have a problem.

IMG_1109Nagahama folk just chilling until the weather cools back down.

July was warm, wonderful and full of quiet adventures. We said goodbye to so many friends, but we don’t feel sad; we’re grateful we met them (and are already looking forward to times when their travels take them to Oz)!

To all the new JETS, welcome! Here’s to August and the great times we’re going to have!

Gem and Kin

XX

On Criticism

I wasn’t very awesome this morning.

Kin had a rotten day on Monday, and when Kin is miserable, he likes to spread it around with a big shovel. Now that he is feeling more cheerful, I decided to try and raise that issue with him. Unfortunately, while HE might have been calm about it, I obviously wasn’t! I wound up goading him into an argument, which I then kind of won, (which is NEVER a win), so he still has no idea what I was actually talking about, my problem still exists and both of us were upset, miserable and late for work. Not a good start to the day.

I hate arguing with Kin and I hate we’ve both essentially lost the day to something so unproductive. So after two cups of tea and half an hour of sniffling over my computer (God bless Japanese workplaces; you could probably commit suicide at your desk and no-one would react) I decided to stop being a whiny wanker and try to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

(That half hour of wallowing felt great, by the way. I’m glad I didn’t skip it.)

Harden up, princess

First, since I’m ahead with my work at the moment, I spent a bit of time reading some “stop-feeling-sorry-for-yourself”-style articles (Mark Manson is good for these). Trying to tackle an issue while you’re still feeling like a victim is a brilliant recipe for delusion and failure, so it’s good to do something that will get you thinking about your own responsibility for a situation first.

So, once I was in the right head space, I started to think about what was actually going on this morning. And when you look at it, I wasn’t REALLY trying to fix a problem; I didn’t try to offer any solutions, after all. I just wanted to criticize Kin because I wanted him to stop doing something I didn’t like. How do I avoid this argument in future? Stop criticizing him.

And that’s it.

I’m going to do it!

Before you freak out, I’m not one of those religious twerps advocating women’s obedience to their husbands; our relationship is still happily feminist (not to mention atheist), so sweet submission would probably frighten Kin badly, not to mention drive me into a straightjacket. I’m speaking from a position of pure self-determination here; criticism clearly doesn’t work, so I need to come up with something that will. However, I’ve made resolves to criticize less in the past and have wound up gritting my teeth for weeks on end, then having a roaring meltdown, which is not helpful. I guess I’ve gotten Kin so used to being criticized, he assumes that in its absence, everything must be okay. So, how can I make sure my needs are being met, without having to resort to criticism?

Well, I’ve come up with something. But it’s just so…. wet. I’m fairly open emotionally, but I’m still a pragmatic person. Sappy, sloppy, self-help book language alternately enrages me (it’s so often used for self-justification) or makes me wince (when it’s so sincere, yet so sugary your teeth ache just reading it).

But I did it anyway. I sat and wrote down exactly what I would need to be able to refrain from criticising. Funnily enough, a lot of it is stuff Kin has begged me to do in the past. Go figure.

Here it is:

  • I WILL talk more about how things affect me, even if that means having to do really awkward segues or make actual appointments with you.

             SO PLEASE be open and receptive when I need to talk. If I become critical or passive-aggressive, please point it out and encourage me to phrase things more productively.

  • I WILL make requests to have my needs met.

            SO PLEASE say “No” or request postponement when you cannot answer these requests. If I am confident you will do that, I will feel confident and safe in asking more often.

  • I WILL listen and act on your requests and complains without becoming defensive or emotional

             SO PLEASE think about your reasons for making them and, if I need to table the topic for a period, allow me to.

  •  I WILL remember that you love me and ascribe positive motivations to your actions. I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

             SO PLEASE do the same for me!

I’m actually going to nail that gunk to my wall to remind myself of what I need to do. Looking at it makes me cringe (and I’m CERTAIN it will make Kin cringe too), but difficult times call for drastic measures, and if that means both of us feeling uncomfortable for being wet, New-Age wankers, then so be it. The sacrifice has to be made.

Wish me luck.

Gem

XX

EDIT: I showed it to Kin. It made him cringe.

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